Crack patrol

Its kinda like a light bulb joke, but the punchline kinda pisses you off...

Q: How many government agencies does it take to put a guy with $200 of crack on him in jail for 2 weeks?

A:

• Special Assistant United States Attorney, Justin Lightfoot
• the Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) Task Force
• the Linn County Sheriff’s Office
• the Cedar Rapids Police Department
• the Marion Police Department
• the Iowa City Police Department
• the Clinton Police Department
• the Iowa Division of Narcotics Enforcement
• the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives
• the Sixth Judicial District Department of Correctional Services
• the Iowa National Guard

THIS is whyipaytaxes.

Sometimes, I find the story already put together for me: How Many Law Enforcement Agencies Does it to Take to Prosecute One Man for Buying $200 Worth of Crack?(reason.com)

Still witch huntin' in 2011

The witch problem we humans contend with first came to prominence in the dark ages. By the time the Salem Witch Trials came about, we thought we had eradicated the threat altogether. However, as it turns out, we were wrong and still have a witch problem in the world.

Thankfully, our friends in Saudi Arabia have not rested on their laurels while the rest of the complacent world goes on about its business as though sorcery and magic spells don't exist.

Earlier today, Saudi Arabia executed Amina bint Abdul Halim bin Salem Nasser by way of beheading under the charge of practicing "witchcraft and sorcery." Surprisingly, no further details were provided in regards to the charges against her.

That's some good investigatin', judgin', and executin'!

THIS is whysaudiarabianspaytaxes.
Read more: Saudi woman executed for 'witchcraft and sorcery'(bbc)

Seasonings Greetings!

Aside from the police investigation and eventual court cases, this thought has little to do with whyipaytaxes.

However, I just had to remark on the increased use of Pepper Spray this Black Friday.

• At Wal-Mart in Porter Ranch: 'Mom, I was just pepper-sprayed'(LAT)

• Off-Duty Officer Pepper Sprays Unruly Shoppers at N.C. Walmart(mfp)

Tis the season...

THIS is whyipaytaxes.

Bodies on the bus go round and round

Only because my bus driver label tag is underutilized, I present to you the story of a bus driver who killed 15 of his passengers on a bright March day.

Emergency personnel, cops, DAs, Governor Quomo, the National Transportation Safety Board, a Grand Jury, Judge Villegas, and the prison warden and guards all get involved because Ophadell 'I got this' Williams "was not only aware of what precautions to take but made a series of conscious decisions not to take them."

The very least you expect from your bus driver is for him or her to not kill you...

THIS is whyipaytaxes.
read more: Driver in NY bus crash charged with deaths of 15 passengers(REU)

Posessed dog case

Because a dog wandered into a rabbinical courthouse in Jerusalem, the judges just had to have a trial. After all, they couldn't get it to leave!

In the end, these judges ruled:
* The dog was a reincarnation of a lawyer who died 20 years ago.
* This dog is this lawyer because 20 years ago, the judges ruled that the lawyer's spirit would enter the body of a dog. This classic ruling was made because the lawyer insulted the judges.
(Imagine that, insulting *these* fine judges? No way!)
* They are certain of this because the dog wouldn't leave.
and... My favorite part of the ruling:
* That the dog should be stoned to death, by children. Fun for the whole family!

Good, solid, and quality judgin'...

THIS is whyisraelispaytaxes.

read more:Jerusalem rabbis 'condemn dog to death by stoning'(bbc)

Vetting presidential qualifications at every level of government

Lt Col Terrence 'More capable to judge than my entire command chain' Lakin refused his orders to deploy to Afghanistan. He refused his orders based on the popular hysterical conspiracy theory that Obama isn't eligible to be president. He stated that he would ONLY deploy once Obama's original birth certificate was released and verified.

I guess that this guy is able to spot a faker better than each and everyone of his superior officers, including the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the Secretary of Defense himself. Screw the state of Hawaii for producing a certified birth certificate and whatever federal government group responsible for vetting the applications for being put on the ballot that OK'd Obama's election. Screw the fact that all of his co-workers and the entire country is OK with the evidence provided thus far. After all, this evidence only shows how far-reaching Obama's power to conduct this conspiracy is.

No sheep to no sham, Lakin stood his ground and refused to deploy. No matter that his orders came from a higher ranking officer whose qualifications aren't in question. Apparently, we are to assume that his orders were personally delivered by the president and that Lakin was the only person that could bring an end to the madness.

My favorite part is once the court martial got underway. Lakin realized that the only thing his douchebaggery has gotten him was his 15 minutes of [Fox News] fame, the end of his career, and a potential jail sentence. Suddenly, he can be heard saying its OK if his demands are refused because "I don't want it to end this way, I want to continue to serve."
Maybe you should have thought of that before you refused to do your job.

Court martial proceedings, potential jail time, and wasting the military's time on grooming a high level officer who can't be counted on to do what is asked of him.

THIS is whyipaytaxes.
read more:'Birther' army doctor Lakin convicted for not deploying(bbc)

DHS becomes DLS

Another tough one here. This reason for spending our tax dollars is beyond reproach - I just like pointing out why it is we pay our taxes...

We now have Immigration & Customs Enforcement (ICE) Agents from the Department of Homeland Security in countries around the world placed there simply to defend those countries against American criminals. Specifically we're after those creepy enough to go on vacation looking for underage prostitutes. Their goal is to find these creeps and instead of letting them bribe their way out of local trouble, we bring them back to the U.S. for some real justice.

I bring this up because of the apparent inconsistencies.
1.) They are IMMIGRATION agents. They are not MIGRATION agents. Lets use our border patrols to patrol our borders. Let them work on catching people coming into our country, not leaving it.
2.) Though it has long been 'proven' that 'Home'land Security begins in countries like Iraq and Afghanistan, we should really take a moment to inform our government that those countries are not our HOMEland.
3.) Imagine the costs involved in maintaining a force in other countries, in shipping the creeps back for a full blown trial, and all this process entails simply because we don't trust their courts to punish our citizens severely enough for crimes against their citizens.

Here's my point - We can't turn the Department of Homeland Security into the Department of Land Security because it is the most appropriate group of agents to spread thin. If this is a problem that we feel must be addressed, then lets take care of it. Lets create the Department of Saving Others From Ourselves and staff it to the brim with special agents trained to put an end to child/sex/slavery. Let the DSOFO find their own funding and lobbyists and support in congress. Don't tell me I'm paying for border agents to keep me safe, then send those agents a half a planet away from the borders I've been told their guarding.

Our border agents protecting their borders...

THIS is whyipaytaxes.

read more:The US agents tracking down sex tourists in Cambodia(bbc)

The Horse Molesterer

Derek 'Wood' Woods just LOVES horses.

In December of 2009, a woman who owns a stables in Devon (England), was surprised to see ol' Derek crashed out in her barn. Shooing him away, she thought she had seen the last of this sorry excuse for a man. To be safe, she had fake cameras and an audible alarm set up in and around her barn.

In February of 2010, she noticed that one of her horses was walking funny again. Fearing the worst, the fake cameras and alarm were eliminated and replaced with hidden infrared cameras.

By August, Derek just couldn't stand to be away from his little filly any longer and gave the stable owner and police a little infrared show.

Aside from the small mountain of private cash invested in this by the stable owner, we have several calls out to the police and now a trial and some punishment to pay for. Luckily they won't put him in jail, but a probation officer will be that much busier for the next 24 months. I also imagine Woods won't be paying for his own treatment for alcohol dependency.

THIS is whybritspaytaxes.

PS - I was torn about titling this post 'Horse Rearing', but 'The Horse Molesterer' just had that much more kick...

PPS - I was picturing a dodgy old man barely hanging on in his drunken twilight years. It was another look at the story before I realized this guy is 26 YEARS OLD! Man... If you can't get a date at 26, you've got issues. Wait. I guess that this guy has issues was already pretty clear...

read more:Man sentenced for sex act on horse at Devon stables(bbc)

Toll dodging

In an impressive feat, a man in China was able to evade $560,000 in toll charges over a 9 month period by affixing military plates to his vehicle. Then they fined him another $300,000 and sentenced him to life in prison.

Of interest:
That one could run up over a half a million dollars in tolls over a 9 month period makes me wonder if he did a lot of driving, or if there are simply too many toll booths in China. (I'd say both. He was running overweight loads which incurred larger than normal toll charges.)

That one could obtain military plates to put on his vehicle to evade tolls makes me wonder about their military quartermasters.

That one could be expected to repay $800,000 while spending life in prison... Well, I suspect he'll be costing more than what he already owes.

In the end:
In a relatively un-China-like move, they have decided to re-try the poor guy because of a bit of a people's revolt on the Internet. Hopefully the cost of this re-trial and the amount they save by not imprisoning him for the rest of his life are a wash.

THIS is whyCHINESEpaytaxes.

read more: Outcry prompts retrial for Chinese toll dodger(bbc)

Another criminal tweet

At least this one didn't end in jail time. In fact, the fine helps to pay for the police and court time involved...

A man has been fined £3,000 for this tweet:
Robin Hood Airport is closed. You've got a week... otherwise I'm blowing the airport sky high!

The statute he violated is 'sending a menacing electronic communication'

Even the officer 'investigating' the 'case' said this was ridiculous.

Show me pictures of people fleeing the RH Airport in a snowstorm, tears freezing to their faces as they huddle in fear of the imminent explosion. Then I'll get behind a fine for this guy...

Until then, the Brits have GOT to stop trying to arrest and try everyone that has access to a keyboard because they don't like what was posted on the Internet.

THIS is whyBRITSpaytaxes.

Read more: Man in Twitter bomb threat against airport loses appeal(bbc)

Cleaning the Crazy right out of the Internet:
http://whyipaytaxes.blogspot.com/2010/11/more-arrests-over-bad-comments.html
http://whyipaytaxes.blogspot.com/2010/10/rude-enough-for-imprisonment.html
http://whyipaytaxes.blogspot.com/2008/10/virtual-crime-real-bars-in-window.html

More arrests over bad comments

Wow... The Brits are going a bit overboard with arresting and trying people who have the audacity to speak their mind on the Internet.

About a week ago, I posted about a jail sentence for a guy who posts horrendous comments on Facebook tribute pages for the recently deceased. Yeah. World class douchebag... But don't go changing the privacy settings of your Facebook tribute pages just yet, 'cause they got him. The Internet is once again a safe place to surf.

The new story is about a guy who tweeted that a writer he disagreed with should be stoned to death.
Unreasonable comment? Yes.
Horrendous comment? Yes.
Ignorant pig? You betcha.

If I were the writer in question, I would make not following his tweets a very high priority on today's to do list.

Did he throw the first stone? No.
Did he actually try to arrange the stoning? No.
Should he be arrested and thrown in jail for typing what he wanted into a service designed to allow anyone to post whatever they want? NO!

That he was a government official ought to lead to him losing his job. That would be reasonable. A forced public apology has been done, the woman in question has not been stoned.
Did he really need to be handcuffed and arrested? Did he really need to be bailed out of prison, or to hire a defense lawyer to stand trial? Because of a 140 characters or less?

... ... Beats having a freedom of speech!

THIS is whyBRITSpaytaxes.

read more: Tory councillor arrested over Twitter stoning post(bbc)

The offending tweet was quite obviously a terrible attempt at being funny on a subject where this guy has no reason getting involved:
Can someone please stone Yasmin Alibhai-Brown to death? I shan't tell Amnesty if you don't. It would be a blessing, really.

Groggle, Drinkle, just get me another beer

Cameron 'Cheap Beer is my Favorite Beer' Collie has a rather wonderful idea for a web site. Simply plug in your location and his service will locate the closest and cheapest beer.

Not a bad service. He thought he'd call it Groggle, as a play on the common Australian term for alcoholic beverage, grog. (No fellow Americans, the Australian word for beer is not Foster's)

"Good lord!" exclaimed Google. "What if confused drunken Australians intending to undertake an Internet search accidentally go to Groggle.com instead of Google.com??!??! Heavens No!"

So they thought they'd put the Australian government's trademark offices to work on this situation by fighting Cameron's attempts to trademark the term Groggle.

After 6 months of battling in court, they finally reached an agreement out of court. While no one is talking details, Cameron tweets that he will be enjoying a bottle of 'Australia's Most Expensive Beer' after the agreement.

Of course, Groggle lost. The new site will be called Drinkle.com. Also a fun name that ought to catch on quite nicely.

THIS is whyAUSSIESpaytaxes.

read more: Google scotches Australian 'Groggle' search(bbc)
drink more: Drinkle.com

Church sues state

The Pilgrim Baptist Church in Chicago is suing the state of Illinois over the promises of Rod 'Only Innocent People Appear on 'The View'' Blagojevich.
After all, they had a fire. And why should they be responsible for covering their own damages when they can just turn to the state? Is not like there is anything in the constitution guaranteeing the separation of church and state...

Here's a few things that tickles my brain in a bad way:
1.) They were promised $1 MILLION even though the damages totaled $65,015.
2.) The $1 MILLION was still given out, but it was given to a PRIVATE school that was leasing the area of the church that had the fire. (Because private schools benefit everyone, not just the parents that can afford to send their kids there.)
3.) I mean really... The state has to pay to defend itself because a corrupt governor made a promise to a church? Like a governor has any business promising statewide tax funds to a small church in an urban area that is many hours away from most of the residents of the state?

If this works out for them, I think I'll drop my homeowner's insurance and sue the state for damages when it burns down.

THIS is whyipaytaxes.

read more: Church sues Illinois Department of Commerce and Economic Opportunity(wgn)

Can't golf today, gotta pick up my welfare check!

Phillip 'Tiger' Bond decided he had had enough of the rat race we call life and found himself a way out: Collecting disability from the government.

Of course, just because he was *ahem* unable to work for a living doesn't mean he had to stop golfing several times a week. After all, what is the point in not being able to work if you can't enjoy it?

He went so far as to compete in several golf tournaments.

He got £36,000 before investigators were able to film him on the links.

Not only did the British government give him £36k, but they also had to investigate, prosecute, and now house Mr. Bond for the next 7 months... (Which is all cheaper than continuing to pay him disability)

THIS is whyBRITSpaytaxes.

Read more:Disability benefit fraudster filmed playing golf jailed(bbc)

Separation of church and... I think we've heard this one before

Just going to cover it briefly by broadly summarizing to suit my needs:
The Supreme Court is hearing a case on whether or not a public university should be forced to provide a bit of financial support to a Christian group that violates university rules by not allowing gay folk into their club.
Yes, this church group is suing because they aren't being given their fair share of government funding.
Thank God there is no separation of church and state.

Antonin 'Nipple Fan' Scalia was most eloquent in his argument:
"Frankly, one reason why I am inclined to think this is pretextual is that it is so weird ... to require this Christian society to allow atheists not just to join, but to conduct Bible classes, right? That's crazy!"
At which point he promptly took another hit off his hookah and mumbled to himself "Just crazy man. Crazy."

Yes. Lets give them public funding so they can fend off the crazy atheists trying to teach their bible classes...

THIS is whyipaytaxes.

read more: Court Weighs Rights Of Campus Religious Groups(npr)

Overzealous

A 12 year old girl got caught writing on her desk at school with a marker. Her overzealous teacher summarily dragged her to the overzealous principal's office who decided only the police could properly handle such an outrage. When the overzealous officers arrived, they cuffed her and did a perp walk out to the car. She was tried and convicted in a 'Family Court', sentenced to 8 hours of community service and an essay about what she's learned from the ordeal.

Having been chapped from being so spanked, our little graffiti artist got her overzealous father to call some overzealous lawyers to sue both the school district and police department. All the pain and suffering endured by this poor girl must be worth at least $1 MILLION. After all, she was in custody almost the whole day!

The head lawyer in the case Joseph "Opportunity Knocks" Rosenthal, wants to be clear: "We want to stop this from happening to other young children in the future."
Because it has nothing to do with the MILLION bucks...

Overzealous government staffers open the door for overzealous lawyers. And I haven't even mentioned the janitor's time involved in cleaning the desk...

THIS is whynewyorkerspaytaxes.

read more: US girl sues for $1m over arrest for desk scribble(bbc)

Roadkill revival

Today's Everyday Hero comes from Brookville, Pennsylvania, near Punxsutawney. It was in this area that Donald "Raisin' the Dead" Wolfe tried to save a poor helpless animal deciding mouth to mouth resuscitation was the only way to save a possum that had been roadkill for days. I'm not sure if the mouth to mouth was before or after he held a one man seance to bring the poor rotting critter back to life, but he certainly tried everything he could.

Of course, you can't just leave dumb ass drunks making out with dead animals hang out by a highway and the police had to get involved. Rather than do whatever it is the police do in the Punxsutawney area on an average Thursday night, they spent this one arresting Don, gathering eye witness reports and talking to the media. Thankfully, I'm sure Donnie will also get his day in court. Because, you know, they didn't have anything better to do either...

THIS is whyPENNSYLVANIANSpaytaxes.

Read more: Police: Drunk Pa. man tried to revive dead opossum(ap)

Fruitful use of prisons

Dubai has sentenced two people to 3 months in jail for sexting. They were planning on having an affair, which is illegal there. Had there been evidence of an actual affair, they would have been in jail a lot longer...

I wondered how the morality police got ahold of these text messages. Turns out they were used as evidence in the woman's divorce proceedings.

A nice court case and some room and board for those audacious enough to send lusty text messages...

THIS is whyDUBIANSpaytaxes

read more: Dubai jails Indian pair for 'sexy texts' (bbc)

Alaska v The Environment

You'll remember Bush's bittersweet move to simultaneously point out that even though polar bears are a threatened species because they are losing their natural habitat to global warming there is nothing can be done to save them because no one can sue the mega polluters to deal with the problem. Good times...

Since then, the State of Alaska has been suing to strip the polar bears of their protected status. I'm not sure what their logic is, but apparently having the bears as a protected species is a matter of State interest that deserves a significant amount of its attorneys' attention.

But that is not why I am writing. As it turns out, environmentalists have been more successful at eliminating the special 'no one's fault' rule than Alaska has been at eliminating the threatened species status of the bears. Soon a judge will be making the ruling and it appears that the unique protection against lawsuits will be eliminated and this pisses Alaska off.

So, last month, the State of Alaska approved $1.5 MILLION to develop a campaign to gain broad support from the rest of the country to let the bears perish unchecked.

It must be nice to be the most federally supported state in the Union because it leaves a lot of money lying around to fight the federal government!

THIS is whyALASKANSpaytaxes.

Somethings fishy here

And it ain't just Antoine Goetschel's clients.

Seriously. The guy defended a dead Pike in court. And dogs, cats, guinea pigs, cows, horses and sheep. (I don't suspect the sheep was involved in a rape case, but I have no evidence either way...)

No big deal, right? Some hippy lawyer has decided to enjoy his wealth by taking on animal cruelty cases pro bono, right? Sure, he's clogging Switzerland's court system with cases that ought to be handled in other ways, but at least he's not government funded, right?

The hell you say.

Nope. Funded entirely by the government, this guy sued a fisherman because it was reported that the fisherman took 10 minutes to bring the fish in and kill it. To no one's surprise, he had his ass handed to him on this case. However, not only is he wasting a shit ton of a citizens and several government employees time with this nonsense, but he is taking a salary and a pension for this nonsense too. Not to count the allowance he surely has for staffing his office.

And this is all brought up because he thinks that he can't work alone. Oh no. He thinks the Swiss need a fucking mountain of these guys. Sort of a new D.A.s office. Eventually, they'll probably be bringing about involuntary manslaughter charges against everyone who hits a deer with their car. You better hope the deer is resuscitated or you're spending time behind bars.

I'll bet the Swiss even paid for a public defendant for the fisherman.

Just think... A story about overpaid and under worked lawyers milking the system for all its worth that didn't originate in the U.S. Yay!

THIS is whytheSWISSpaytaxes

read more: Swiss ask whether animals need lawyers (bbc)