Pirate Czar, AARRRR!

Avast Ye, Downloaders: The Pirate Czar Is Coming (npr)

ARrrrrr! This one is quite exciting for me. I have recently made some tax expenditures designed to allow the government to throw my ass in jail because I once wanted to listen to Copacabana without experiencing the excruciating embarrassment of buying a Barry Manilow album.

Surprisingly enough, they took out the provision that would have allowed the Department of Justice pursue CIVIL lawsuits against me on behalf of the recording industry. This would have been the first time in the history of the DOJ that it was ordered to pursue civil 'suits. Yes, my government would have provided them a complete legal team to take every penny I have (after taxes) on behalf of the RIAA who sold over $10,370,000,000 worth of music in 2007.

What I'm curious to know: If being pursued by the DOJ in a civil case, do I have the right to a state appointed defense attorney? I'd guess that this right is only guaranteed for criminal cases...

To be clear: They took out the civil lawsuits provision. Those poor recording companies that have been exploiting musicians for decades will have to buy their own legal team to sue me.

To continue to be clear: The DOJ, Department of Homeland Security, the FBI, and a host of other Departments will soon have to stop pursuing terrorists, illegal aliens, slavery smugglers, tax evaders, Wall Street criminals, etc. so they can instead answer to the Pirate Czar when he commands his legions to find me and put my severed head on a pike in front of the RIAA's gate as 'an example to others.'

Appointing cabinet level positions and hiring an entire department of people to put my ass in jail 'cause I made a new copy of my favorite mix tape.

THIS is whyipaytaxes.